A blog with fertility and infertility answers. At a time when you need them most.
Paths to Parenthood Conference
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Registration, Breakfast and Lunch are FREE!
Marriott World Center, Orlando, Florida
Trying to have a baby or thinking about adoption?
Attendees and Exhibitors
Dr. Alice Domar with volunteers
From the 2008
Paths to Parenthood Conference
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Online Registration will be available
One of the most devastating things about infertility is the way it can impact you and your partner’s intimate relationship. Something that was just supposed to be between the two of you has now become a means to an end, subject to timing, testing, and in some cases, clinical intervention. Unfortunately, being intimate can now become a reminder of the problem.
Recently, one of my clients shared about how he and his wife had reclaimed their sexual relationship. With infertility treatment behind them, they were now discovering what it was like to be a couple again.
As much as this is wonderful news, you don’t have to wait until you are on the other side of infertility to reconnect in this way. Here is some tips on how to stay connected to your partner, and nurture intimacy on your fertility journey:
Plan a date night: Make time to be alone and together, ideally on a weekly basis. Do things that encourage interaction, especially the types of things you enjoyed doing when you first became a couple. Talk about anything that comes to mind EXCEPT money, your jobs, and–you guessed it–fertility!
Plan for nonsexual physical connection: It’s important to start to link up having fun and being together physically. Some great ways to do this are to consider nonsexual physical activities like ballroom dancing, taking a yoga class, working out at the gym–things that make you feel physically good about yourself, and one another.
Plan getaways: There are times when you need to throw caution (and your fertility protocol) to the wind, and just get away. Sometimes a change in scenery can help recharge a relationship. Plan for these breaks–even an overnight can do wonders.
Marina Lombardo
In a recent interview with Ann Curry, Nadya Suleman, the woman who gave birth to octuplets, claimed that she feels judged and misunderstood (www.nbcnewyork.com) Pinning the negative feedback on the fact that she is a single mother, Suleman stated that she did what couples struggling to have kids do all the time, and it’s not “as controversial because they are couples.”
Uh….no. In my opinion, whether you are a couple or a single mom is really besides the point.
Yes, Ms. Suleman is a single mother, but her story doesn’t stop there. She also has six other children, one with autism and all conceived via IVF. She is unemployed, and she lives with her parents in a three-bedroom bungalow. Certainly, these issues would be considered red flags regardless of one’s marital status.
Unfortunately, Ms. Suleman does not stand alone in her responsibility. The fact that she made this choice with medical assistance, and that doctors chose to transfer six embryos rather than the two embryos recommended under industry guidelines, is a sad example of the medical system gone awry.
A recent editorial in the Orlando Sentinel put it this way:
“…Ms. Suleman forged ahead, recklessly…and may have set a new standard for crossing the line….IVF has proven a miracle for so many. Perhaps the saddest part of all is to see it so flippantly abused.”
Marina Lombardo
Emma had been planning for weeks to attend a local fertility support group meeting. But every time the regularly scheduled Wednesday night meeting came up on her calendar, she found a reason not to go. Finally she realized that there was more than just last-minute scheduling conflicts that were holding her back. Going to the meeting, she realized, felt like an admission of failure. She felt like she was “coming out of the closet,” acknowledging her infertility for everyone to see.
Not everyone has difficulty becoming involved in infertility support group meetings. For some, this setting may immediately feel like a port in the storm, a safe place to meet like-minded others. But if you find that this is not the case for you, that your first steps are hesitant or even guarded, know that you’re not alone. It can takes a lot of courage to admit that you are struggling with anything, especially fertility issues. One way to ease your entry is to reach out to a close friend or your partner, and ask them to accompany you to your first infertility group. Another idea is to seek out an evening when a group topic is of interest to you, so that this seeking of information can be your focus.
However it is that you get there, just remember that the results are well worth it. As Emma soon discovered, “I felt as if I was finally with women who really understood what I was going through.”
Marina Lombardo
Ever wonder about the expression, “infertility journey?” To my way of thinking, infertility is a journey because in the process, you may find yourself making decisions and having experiences that you never before imagined.
For example, I’ve worked with many clients who find themselves agreeing to undergo IVF treatment, when perhaps just a few months earlier, they would never have imagined that their fertility journey, would have taken them to that place. Where before the prospect of undergoing invasive treatment and taking powerful drugs seemed daunting, now the quest for a child is changing all of that. The undo-able now becomes the “next thing” to be done.
All of this takes a toll on the mind as well as the body. As part of your infertility treatment, it’s important to consider your emotional well-being, and the state of your marriage and relationships.
Don’t let your quest become so single-minded that you become blind to the whole of what you need.
If you find yourself feeling stressed, confused, overwhelmed, sitting down and talking to counselor who specializes in reproductive issues can be of enormous help. You can learn skills and gain insights that can help you to grieve, to make decisions, and ultimately to heal. In this way, no matter what happens, you’ll know that you will come through this stronger and healthier than before.
Marina Lombardo
Marina Lombardo
The journey of infertility is unpredictable. Everyone’s story is different, and no one quite knows how the story will end. The movie, And Then She Found Me , explores one woman’s story, with all it’s unlikely twists and turns.
Helen Hunt plays April, a 39 year old newly married woman who yearns for a child. She herself adopted, she desperately longs for the experience of connection she believes she witnessed between her adoptive mother and her brother, who is biological. All suggestions and admonitions that she “just adopt,” fall on deaf ears. April is determined to birth a child.
The story follows April through her complicated journey. Reunions and separations, gains and losses, doubts and confusion, false starts and stops—April experiences them all. But eventually, it is this very path that leads April to her own answers, and eventually to acceptance and peace. If you ever wonder whether your journey will lead to your own happy ending, this movie is for you.
Marina Lombardo
There has been quite a bit of research on the relationship between weight and fertility. In the case of women, studies have shown that even a few pounds too much, or too little for that matter, can make getting pregnant more difficult.
Not so for the men. In fact, the latest research coming out of Albert Einstein College in NYC showed that weight doesn’t seem to have an effect on sperm. (www.conceiveonline.com; Winter, 2008). Even testosterone production turns out not to be a problem unless they are very low, or the man is extremely obese.
“Our results show that the process of making sperm is pretty robust and hard to interrupt,” reports Nanette Santoro, MD, a reproductive endrocrinologist at Albert Einstein.
Marina Lombardo
2008 has definitely been an unusual year in the world, the US, and perhaps in your personal life. There’s been an abundance of bad or disturbing news, a lot of pressure on us all, and a general sense of sadness or uncertainty that even the joy of the holiday season can’t fully dispel.
But 2009 waits just around the corner, filled with promises and even more uncertainties. Before you march forward into the next year, take some time to just regroup–time for yourself.
Instead of thoughtful introspect, try to carve out some space in which you don’t think at all–lose yourself in a good book, strap on your roller blades, stand on the couch and cheer for your favorite sports team, or just curl up in a cozy bed and regain the extra sleep that has been short changed out of your busy life. Give yourself permission to “not” try to solve all of the world’s problems or even all of your own.
From Marina and Linda–each of us always on our own journey to more peace and less pressure–we wish you a Merry Christmas, a Happy Holiday, and the peace and joy that were meant to be part of this special time of year.
...take time for yourself during the holidays
“Would you like to help a couple have a child? I’m looking for an egg donor. Can we meet?”
Diana Thomas’ story is a familiar one. For years she struggled to have a child, meeting failure upon failure on the high tech track. With money and time running out, she and her then husband placed this ad in a local paper. Diana chose one of the six women who responded, and in 1996, her son was born. Diana was 40 years old.
From her own personal quest, Diana founded X and Y Consulting. As reported in a recent issue of More Magazine, (December 2008-January 2009, www.more.com), the company’s latest division, Cryo Eggs International, uses the latest in frozen egg technology to help her clients, most of whom are over 40, to become pregnant. This new technology comes with a hefty price: $25,000 to $40,000 for each pregnancy attempt using fresh eggs. But the fee is pretty much all-inclusive, covering recruiting, compensation and insurance, screening tests (both genetic and psychological), and transportation.
In recent years, Diana has taken her business national. On her website, www.eggsdonorsnow.com, Diana posts photos of donor alongside lists of their talents and interests–kind of like a match.com for the childless. But Diana is gratified. “It’s rewarding to know that I have cut the learning curve in half for other women like me, who have had to figure out how to have a baby when our biology says it’s too late.”
Marina
I Am More Than My Infertility, 7 Proven Tools for Turning a Life Crisis into a Personal Breakthrough
We are heading into Black Friday … typically the biggest shopping day of the year. With the way the economy is, who knows if post-Thanksgiving shopping will put retailers in the black this year or not. Nevertheless, we will all be buying some gifts, even if we cut back on our gift giving.
If you are trying to conceive, whether it happens quickly, takes a while, or never happens at all, this period of your life carries a unique set of stresses, and the hustle of the holidays only intensifies this stress. So on your holiday shopping list, add a gift for yourself.
I Am More Than My Infertility, 7 Proven Tools for Turning a Life Crisis into a Personal Breakthrough is not a guidebook for becoming pregnant. It is a book to help you find yourself in the midst of whatever you are facing. It is a book of hope and healing, and can be a life-changing gift you give yourself.
The book can be found in many bookstores, or at:
and dozens of other online book dealers.
Kim Hahn to Appear on GMA
According to a recent report in the Associated Press the number of foreign children adopted by Americans fell by 11 percent last year, citing the lowest level in ten years. The primary reasons are that many countries are clamping down on the process, while others are dealing with allegations of adoption fraud. An example is China who, after years of leading the international market, has posted the biggest decline.
As the parent of a foreign adoption child, I find myself feeling both sad and angry. There are millions of Americans willing to adopt, and many more children in need of homes, and yet politics and corruption are making this impossible. When foreign adoptions do occur, the child is often well past a year old, often languishing for months in orphanages. I often find myself asking, “Who is considering the needs of these children?”
If you are thinking about international adoption, a good place to get the latest information is the Adoption Guide. This annual issue is published by Adoption Families Magazine, and is packed full of the latest information and resources.
Marina
