You are currently browsing the monthly archive for February 2008.
Angels in Disguise
I have one of those great jobs where I get to bring my dog, Mollie, to the office. She’s a sweet little thing, and often during the day, I’ll find that just looking at her lets me feel more grounded and centered.
Although she fits in really well with all my clients, I’ve found that the women that I see that struggle with fertility issues have a special connection with her. They always take a few minutes before and after our session to pet Mollie, and they seem to drink up her always abundant doggie kisses. Many of these women share stories about their own pets, and how they have provided so much comfort during this difficult time. They way they put, it’s a win-win: they get to mother a being that gives them unconditional love in return.
While I’m not recommending that you drop everything, run out and get a dog, I am saying you can’t underestimate the importance of nurturing yourself, and finding a healing outlet for that maternal energy. Be open to the ways you can do that; the possibilities can come in the most unexpected ways.
Marina
Seems that every time you turn around these days, another talk show is airing a broadcast about infertility. Finally, this issue is coming to the forefront, and getting the attention it deserves.
One of the latest aired on Friday, February 15; this time on the Tyra Banks Show. Along with guests Trista and Ryan Sutter (The Bachelorette), who shared their bumpy journey to parenthood, Tyra also interviewed Kim Hahn, Founder of Conceive Magazine.
For those of you who are not familiar with Conceive, you definitely want to pick up a copy at your local bookstore, or check it out online (www.conceiveonline.com). Not only does Conceive offer the latest information on conception, it is actually fun to read. Plus, my column, “Emotionally Speaking,” where I talk about all the emotional issues that can come when you’re trying to have a baby, appears in every issue.
But back to the Tyra Show. Certainly, Kim did a beautiful job, but the biggest thing that stood out about what she had to say was how important it was for women to be educated. For example, did you know that if you are in your 20’s, and in perfect health, you chances of becoming pregnant are still only 25 percent each month? Or that reproduction starts to wane by the time you’re in your late 20’s? With 6.1 million women struggling with fertility issues, this is critical information.
If you missed the broadcast, it’s going to air again on Friday, February 29. Check your local listings, or go to www.tyrashow.warnerbros.com.
Marina
Back over a dozen years ago, when I first started working as a consultant at a fertility center, part of my job was to do evaluations on clients who hoped to conceive using donor eggs or sperm. The policy of the center where I worked was strict anonymity and confidentiality between recipients and donors, and this seemed to be the “industry standard” at the time.Boy, how things have changed! Last week’s Oprah Show (www.oprah.com, 2/8/08) entitled “Adult Children of Sperm Donors,” started off by saying, “The first sperm donor babies are all grown up, and they are looking for answers.”
Seems that you can’t keep a lid on the truth, no matter how hard you try. Four young women, all the products of anonymous sperm donors, appeared on the stage. As much as their stories and reactions, were different, one thing was the same: they all wanted the right to know their biological origins.
In an article to the Washington Post, one of the women, Katrina, age 19, wrote these words, “Those of us created (in this way) won’t stay bubbly babies forever. We’re all going to grow into adults and form opinions about the decision to bring us into the world in a way that deprives us of the basic right to know where we came from, what our history is, and who both our parents are.”
But things are changing. Organizations like the Donor Sibling Registry, an online service that began in 2003, is actively engaged in trying to match up parents and their children, and siblings to one another.
I guess the point is that if you are considering a third party as part of your fertility plans, remember that there are flesh and blood humans attached to those eggs and sperm, and that someday the child you’ve created may very well want answers of her own.
Marina
I had an experience in my office this week that so warmed my heart, that I wanted to share it with you.
A couple came in for counseling with the presenting issue of unexplained infertility. They had their own version of the type of infertility misery that too often happens: a number of IUI’s, two IVF’s, a miscarriage–you get the picture. Heartbroken and exhausted, they were looking for ways to cope.
But what made this couple different was the incredible bond they had. In fact, it was the husband who made the appointment, realizing that his wife needed more than he was able to give. Sitting with this couple, I felt honored to be in the presence of such incredible love, and was reminded again of the healing power of a solid marriage.
If you have become so absorbed in your fertility struggles that you feel like you are going it alone, please wake up to the possibilities of your marriage.
Even if your relationship is not where you want it to be, you and your husband can decide to grow through this challenge together, and create a relationship that will be stronger for the rest of your life.
The first chapter of my book, I Am More Than My Infertility: 7 Proven Tools For Turning a Life Crisis into a Personal Breakthrough, deals specifically with practical ways to shore up your relationship. The title of the chapter, “The First Crisis of Your Marriage,” talks about practical ways to identify and heal issues in your marriage that commonly arise during this time. The books is now specially priced at $17.95, and is available on www.iammore.net
Marina
conclusion to Introduction for the book, I Am More Than My Infertility
My daughter, Taylor Ann, was born on August 18, 2000, and I was present in the delivery room. Seeing her birth was the most amazing experience of my life, and it unleashed something in me that made me want to possess even more of this power I’d claimed in order to become a mother. Now I wanted to go even further in creating the life I wanted to live. Marina told me that the best gift anyone can give a child is a healthy mother and father.
When Taylor’s biological mother handed me her child, I knew that now I had
to be the best parent I could possibly be. So I began a mission—with Marina’s help—to be as emotionally and physically healthy as I could be, and to create for myself a “life without limits.”
My daughter is seven years old now, and I still practice using the tools Marina has shown me. I’ve applied these tools to every aspect of my life. I’ve been able to face and heal the pain of childhood trauma, start my own company, improve my marriage and relationships, and live a life with meaning and purpose. Most of all, I have given my daughter a healthy mother who can raise her to be the person she is meant to be.
Marina’s blunt comment to me that first day, telling me that I didn’t have any emotional coping skills, gave me the opportunity to change my life before it was too late. Without that intervention, it would have taken me a lot longer to recognize my unhappiness, and I would have had many more things in my past to undo.
In a way I was fortunate that my crisis happened when I was still relatively young. At age thirty-seven, I found the courage and strength to leave my lucrative corporate career to start an award-winning publication, Conceive Magazine, for women who want information about starting a family. I didn’t want any woman to have to suffer as much as I had, without consumer- friendly and reliable information about baby-making.In the past few years my company has grown to include Conceive On-Air (an internet radio series), ConceiveOnLine.com, and a new series of fertility books.
Infertility is only one of a number of life crises that can strike any of us. The key to surviving a crisis—and even thriving—is to be open to the life lessons that are there to learn. By incorporating the tools that Marina lays out in this book, you’ll be able to approach all of your life challenges with a sense of confidence, hope, and gratitude.
Thank you, Marina. I couldn’t have done it without you. I will always be grateful to you for telling me I had no emotional coping skills…and then helping me to develop the good, strong tools I’m equipped with now. It was those tools, and your support, that helped me find the courage to adopt my daughter and to change my life. I know that with this book, you will be able to bring your message to an even larger audience, and help others find the emotional tools they need to handle life’s challenges.
Kim Hahn Founder and CEO Conceive Magazine, Inc.
….continued from yesterday’s blog post….
My first visit with Marina was on July 6, 1999, and exactly one year later—July 6, 2000—I found out I was going to adopt a baby.
The year in between was difficult. I tried IVF two more times and failed. I hit bottom, depleted physically, emotionally, and financially. But I also realized during this year that Marina was correct: The reason I was in so much emotional pain was because I didn’t have any way of coping with it. And it was during this year that I learned about emotional tools and how to apply them to my life.
Thanks to Marina, I learned how to set healthy boundaries in my life (Chapter 5), why
telling my truth is so important (Chapter 6,) and how vital it is to take care of my physical health as well as my emotional state (Chapter 3).
Once I started to implement these tools into my personal and professional life, I felt like a kid in a candy store, impatient to use what I was learning to remake my life. I finally realized that I’d never even really wanted to be pregnant. What I wanted was to be a mother, and adoption could make that happen.
I’ll never forget the day I said goodbye to the fertility specialist. It was such an amazing feeling to recognize that I was finally doing what was absolutely right for me, and only me. I’d spent so much time worrying about what everyone else thought I should do, that I’d almost forgotten who I was and what I wanted. Choosing to adopt my daughter was just the beginning of a process of undoing everything else in my life that I’d only done because I thought it would make other people happy (Chapter 4).
….conclusion in tomorrow’s blog….
In the next few blog posts, we will be publishing, in entirety, the introduction to our book, I Am More Than My Infertility.
The intro is special in many ways, but specifically because it was written by Kim Hahn, founder of Conceive Magazine. Kim is a unique and special person who, through the development of Conceive, has found a way to communicate important and often life-changing information to all the women who read the magazine, visit the website, and listen to the internet radio broadcasts.
We think you will enjoy her words, and perhaps identify with her experiences as she turned the life crisis of infertility into her own personal breakthrough.
Introduction:
A Special Message from Kim Hahn Founder of Conceive Magazine
It’s not a good day when someone informs you that you have no emotional coping skills. But that’s exactly what Marina Lombardo told me the first time I met her, more than eight years ago.
Even though I was thirty-three years old, had three advanced degrees, earned a very large salary, and had an extremely successful corporate career, apparently I was clueless about how to handle the challenges in my personal life. But spurred by Marina’s perception, I embarked on a journey that would change my entire life, including my career.
This journey helped me identify and reclaim my own personal power, and gave me the skills to cope with any obstacle that would come my way. The journey was actually the path to finding purpose, joy, peace, love, and gratitude in my life. And Marina Lombardo was by my side, guiding me, for the entire trip.
My first life crisis hit when I was thirty. That’s when I was diagnosed with unexplained infertility, after my husband and I had been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant. It was the first time in my life that I couldn’t achieve what I’d set out to do.
Throwing money at the problem didn’t seem to help, and even after consulting the best fertility doctors in the country, I still wasn’t pregnant. After a year and a half of “trying,” including one failed IVF (in vitro fertilization) cycle, I found myself in danger of losing everything I’d worked so hard to achieve. I was simply unable to cope.
A friend who was also trying to start a family had started seeing Marina, and highly recommended her. Marina’s specialty was helping people who were dealing with infertility, and she knew all the issues and emotions that came with that diagnosis. So I made an appointment, and knew immediately that I’d done the right thing. Marina’s style—caring yet direct and honest—was perfect for me.
….continued in tomorrow’s blog post….
The purpose of our book, I Am More Than My Infertility: 7 Proven Tools for Turning a Life Crisis into a Personal Breakthrough, is to provide concrete ways to manage this challenge in positive ways, and grow your life so that you gain real value on the other side.
But you may be wondering when exactly is the right time to read this book. One client, who was fingering through the book in my office asked, “Do I read it if I’ve just gotten diagnosed with infertility? Do I read it if I’m in the middle of treatment? How about if I’m over and done with fertility treatment, and have moved on with my life–can I read it then?”
The answer I gave her is the same one I’ll give you, “Yes, yes, and yes!”
The tools presented in this book are universal and timeless, just like the experiences of transition, challenge and crisis in your lives. These experiences, by their very nature, bring to the surface issues that need to be healed. The book addresses these areas where healing needs to happen–within yourselves and in your relationships–so that you emerge stronger from this life experience.
I’ve had friends and colleagues who have read the book who don’t suffer from infertility issues at all. One just lost her job, another is dealing with the realization that she will never have grandchildren, and still another runs a hospital group for paraplegics and quadriplegics. In every one these situations, their feedback to me has been the same: “These tools work for everybody, no matter what the situation.”
Yes they do. Infertility is the station where your train has stopped. The 7 Tools can support you in getting back on track, strengthened and renewed for wherever life takes you.
Right now, www.Iammore.net is running a Website Special on the book: a 30% discount for $17.95! Check it out–wherever you are on your journey!.
Marina
Kim Hahn, Founder and CEO of Conceive Magazine talks about the cost of infertility tests on this You Tube video:
