One Personal Story of Infertility and the Desire to Conceive a Child

Responses to the I Am More Than My Infertility Survey

When Marina and began to write our book, I Am More Than My Infertility, we posted a survey on Marina’s website, www.MarinaLombardo.com and on the website for our book, www.IAmMore.net.

We used some of the information in the preparation of the book, and over the upcoming weeks, we plan to release the results of the survey here on the I Am More Than My Infertility blog.

In all, we polled 166 women, ranging in age from 20 to 50. The women responded from all over the world, and had the option of whether they included their email address or remained entirely anonymous.

The average age of the woman responding was just barely under 33 years, with the age that appeared the most frequently being 35 years, and age 30 being the second most frequent… perhaps that means that those milestone birthdays cause us to reflect most on where we are in life and what we have and have not realized in our list of life goals.

And here is a surprising bit of information: When asked, “How old were you when it first crossed your mind that pregnancy might not occur easily?” the average age of the women in the survey was just over 27 years, with many, many women saying they were concerned about the possibility of infertility as early in life as their late teens and early 20’s.

I think you will find the information in this survey very interesting. We cover a number of topics, based on more than twenty questions that each woman answered, and we’ll be sharing everything we learned with you, our blog readers, over the weeks to come.

Linda

A Blog Post that is Not about Fertility

This blog post is not about infertility or fertility; instead it’s about a quality of life issue. Because sometimes it is the little things that get to us.

Regular readers of the I Am More Than My Infertility blog know that Marina and I co-authored the book, I Am More Than My Infertility, and that we both post comments on this blog. If you have read the book, you know that we are more than partners on a book project, we are friends, sounding boards, and moral support for each other. The friendship between women can be a strong and incredibly valuable thing.

Marina and I are alike in many ways, and we are as different as day and night in others. And my blog today is one Marina would NEVER write….

Infertility: To Tell The Truth, Part II

To Tell The Truth, Part II

Using a third party to create a family can open doors that were unimaginable just a few shorts years ago. But along with this opportunity come choices: how and when to tell family and friends, and when to tell your child.

In To Tell the Truth, Part I, we looked at ways to share this information with family and friends, based on my Emotionally Speaking column in the fall issue of Conceive Magazine, on newsstands now.

Now, let’s look at sharing with your child the unique story of how he or she came to be born. In this arena, a lot of what we know is based on research with adoptees. Those studies found that keeping a secret from your child can have damaging effects on your whole family, and that a child can sense that there’s something wrong or missing.

Sometimes it’s hard to share with your child, because doing so means that you have to deal with your own grief at not being able to have a family in a more conventional way. If that’s the case, it’s important that you deal with these feelings so that you can be there for your child in the best possible way.

Experts agree that the simple telling or retelling of your child’s birth story is a wonderful way for your child to grow up with this information. Two books that can get your started, both recommended by the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (www.asrm.org), are Butterflies and Magical Wings by Amy Margolis (Thompson Press, 2006), and Mommy, Was Your Tummy Big? A Picture Books that Explains Donor Eggs to Children, by Carolina Nadel (Mookind Press, 2007).

Marina

Is Soy in Your Diet Increasing Infertility?

The rumor has been floating around for some time, that soy based foods and the hormone isoflavone, which is derived from soy products, is making men infertile.

In the past, animal research studies indicated that a soy diet and male infertility were linked, but it was not until this Harvard School of Public Heath study was recently released that we have had confirmation that the same thing happens in human males who consume soy.

According to information published online in July by Human Reproduction, after monitoring the diets of 99 men who were attending the Massachusetts General Hospital Fertility Center, researchers found, “inverse association between the amount of soy food and isoflavones consumed and the quality of the men’s sperm; in other words, the men who ate the most soy had the lowest sperm quality, and this remained true even after allowing for weight, smoking, alcohol and caffeine consumption.”

The study was conducted over a three-month period and included 15 different soy-based foods.

Infertility: To Tell The Truth, Part I

If you’ve decided to use a third party to use your baby, (an egg donor, a gestational carrier), you’ve probably wondered whether to share this information with your friends and family, and of course, if and when to tell your child.

This delicate subject is one I tackle in my Emotionally Speaking column, in the current Fall issue of Conceive Magazine, on newsstands now.

Let’s start with whether to share this information with your friends and family. In making this decision, it’s important for you and your husband to think back on how you’ve made other decisions together, and then to consciously put time aside to explore what works for the two of you.

When you share with others, it will be tempting to think that everyone will be delighted. But the truth is, some people will be more supportive than others. Here are some guidelines to get you started:

Start Easy. Begin by sharing with those that you know will be excited for you. This will reinforce the rightness of your choice.

Know Yourself. If there are people in your family that you know will be difficult to talk to, consider bringing someone supportive with you to shore up your confidence.

Educate Your Audience. Most people have no idea how much is involved in making this type of decision. Sharing your journey and what brought you and your partner to this point can help put your decision in perspective.

Give Them Time: After you have shared, let it go and give time for your information to settle. Let people know you are available if they’d like to talk more about it.

I’ll talk more about how and when to tell your child in an upcoming blog.

Marina

ASRM Publishes Review of I Am More Than My Infertility

The American Society for Reproductive Medicine NEWS, has just printed a review of our book. The review was written by Dr. Elizabeth E. Puscheck, Associate Professor, Ob/Gyn, Wayne State University School of Medicine, Detroit, Michigan. We’ve included it below, in its entirety.

Patient’s Bookshelf
For a list of additional reading materials, visit the ASRM web site at www.asrm.org.
I AM MORE THAN MY INFERTILITY: 7 proven tools for turning a life crisis into a personal breakthrough
By Marina Lombardo and Linda J. Parker

I Am More Than My Infertility

Seeds of Growth Press: Orlando, Florida
2007. ISBN: 978-0-9800266-0-3
Infertility and infertility treatments have a way of becoming all encompassing. The interference with your daily routine adds to the stress and makes it more difficult not to focus solely on your infertility and your struggles going through infertility treatments.

Do you have the emotional coping skills that you need to face these challenges and not lose yourself, your marriage, or what’s important to you in life
in the meantime? This book describes approaches using seven tools you can learn to use to address this, and any, life crisis you face, with a definite focus on infertility.

Marina Lombardo is a psychotherapist with a background in social work and Linda Parker is a writer and educator.

Legalities and Surrogate Mothers: It’s Not Personal…It’s Just Business

Not long ago, I sat with Becca, who has been through unimaginable grief in her quest to have a baby. Born with a condition that makes holding on to a pregnancy difficult, she has experienced the loss of many miscarriages. After much soul searching, she and her husband finally decided to use a gestational carrier. Things were going along okay–considering the myriad of medical, legal, and psychological hoops one must jump through in order to facilitate this process. But then the clincher came:  Becca found out that in this state, one must sign adoption papers in order to adopt her own biololgical child if it is carried by a surrogate.

“I know that it’s just the law, but it feels like such a slap in the face to me,” Becca related. “It’s like after all I’ve been through, this is just one more humiliation.”

I get it–I really do. But the best I could come up with was, “I know it feels personal, but it’s not. It’s just the law; it’s just business.”

The truth is that ethics and the law have not caught up with the technology of reproductive medicine. Case in point–some states have yet to put limits on the number of times a sperm donor can donate, so there’s no telling who someone could be related to. And yes–as in the case of Becca, many states have yet to decipher the legal difference between a gestational carrier relinquishing a child from traditional adoption. Yes–the law moves slowly, but things are starting to move so that changes can be made to bridge this gap.

Marina

Pressed for time? Brangelina has the Fertility Answer

Attention globe trotting couples! If you’re looking for quick conception results, then IVF is your answer!

At least that’s what was reported in the August 4 issue of US Magazine to explain Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s choice to go with IVF to conceive their newborn fraternal twins.”Things were so hectic with their filming schedules and the kids, they simply didn’t have time to keep trying,” explains a source. “They were too impatient.”

So, what I want to know is since when did IVF become the surefire answer to pregnancy? Apparently, the sources quoted in this article have never met women–young, healthy women in their 30’s just like Ms. Jolie– who have tried and tried IVF with no success.

And since when did the expensive, hormone pumping regimen of IVF become stress-free? Truly, I could not believe my eyes when I read: (“With IVF, Angelina)  wouldn’t have to deal with the stress of trying to get pregnant…She could just knock it out.”

This kind of misinformation does untold damage to an uninformed public. The truth is IVF doesn’t succeed more often than it does. And women who are fighting infertility don’t need one more reason to feel bad about their struggle.

Marina