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One of the most devastating things about infertility is the way it can impact you and your partner’s intimate relationship. Something that was just supposed to be between the two of you has now become a means to an end, subject to timing, testing, and in some cases, clinical intervention. Unfortunately, being intimate can now become a reminder of the problem.
Recently, one of my clients shared about how he and his wife had reclaimed their sexual relationship. With infertility treatment behind them, they were now discovering what it was like to be a couple again.
As much as this is wonderful news, you don’t have to wait until you are on the other side of infertility to reconnect in this way. Here is some tips on how to stay connected to your partner, and nurture intimacy on your fertility journey:
Plan a date night: Make time to be alone and together, ideally on a weekly basis. Do things that encourage interaction, especially the types of things you enjoyed doing when you first became a couple. Talk about anything that comes to mind EXCEPT money, your jobs, and–you guessed it–fertility!
Plan for nonsexual physical connection: It’s important to start to link up having fun and being together physically. Some great ways to do this are to consider nonsexual physical activities like ballroom dancing, taking a yoga class, working out at the gym–things that make you feel physically good about yourself, and one another.
Plan getaways: There are times when you need to throw caution (and your fertility protocol) to the wind, and just get away. Sometimes a change in scenery can help recharge a relationship. Plan for these breaks–even an overnight can do wonders.
Marina Lombardo
In a recent interview with Ann Curry, Nadya Suleman, the woman who gave birth to octuplets, claimed that she feels judged and misunderstood (www.nbcnewyork.com) Pinning the negative feedback on the fact that she is a single mother, Suleman stated that she did what couples struggling to have kids do all the time, and it’s not “as controversial because they are couples.”
Uh….no. In my opinion, whether you are a couple or a single mom is really besides the point.
Yes, Ms. Suleman is a single mother, but her story doesn’t stop there. She also has six other children, one with autism and all conceived via IVF. She is unemployed, and she lives with her parents in a three-bedroom bungalow. Certainly, these issues would be considered red flags regardless of one’s marital status.
Unfortunately, Ms. Suleman does not stand alone in her responsibility. The fact that she made this choice with medical assistance, and that doctors chose to transfer six embryos rather than the two embryos recommended under industry guidelines, is a sad example of the medical system gone awry.
A recent editorial in the Orlando Sentinel put it this way:
“…Ms. Suleman forged ahead, recklessly…and may have set a new standard for crossing the line….IVF has proven a miracle for so many. Perhaps the saddest part of all is to see it so flippantly abused.”
Marina Lombardo
Emma had been planning for weeks to attend a local fertility support group meeting. But every time the regularly scheduled Wednesday night meeting came up on her calendar, she found a reason not to go. Finally she realized that there was more than just last-minute scheduling conflicts that were holding her back. Going to the meeting, she realized, felt like an admission of failure. She felt like she was “coming out of the closet,” acknowledging her infertility for everyone to see.
Not everyone has difficulty becoming involved in infertility support group meetings. For some, this setting may immediately feel like a port in the storm, a safe place to meet like-minded others. But if you find that this is not the case for you, that your first steps are hesitant or even guarded, know that you’re not alone. It can takes a lot of courage to admit that you are struggling with anything, especially fertility issues. One way to ease your entry is to reach out to a close friend or your partner, and ask them to accompany you to your first infertility group. Another idea is to seek out an evening when a group topic is of interest to you, so that this seeking of information can be your focus.
However it is that you get there, just remember that the results are well worth it. As Emma soon discovered, “I felt as if I was finally with women who really understood what I was going through.”
Marina Lombardo
