When Marina and began to write our book, I Am More Than My Infertility, we posted a survey on Marina’s website, www.MarinaLombardo.com and on the website for our book, www.IAmMore.net.

We used some of the information in the preparation of the book, and over the upcoming weeks, we plan to release the results of the survey here on the I Am More Than My Infertility blog.

In all, we polled 166 women, ranging in age from 20 to 50. The women responded from all over the world, and had the option of whether they included their email address or remained entirely anonymous.

The average age of the woman responding was just barely under 33 years, with the age that appeared the most frequently being 35 years, and age 30 being the second most frequent… perhaps that means that those milestone birthdays cause us to reflect most on where we are in life and what we have and have not realized in our list of life goals.

And here is a surprising bit of information: When asked, “How old were you when it first crossed your mind that pregnancy might not occur easily?” the average age of the women in the survey was just over 27 years, with many, many women saying they were concerned about the possibility of infertility as early in life as their late teens and early 20’s.

I think you will find the information in this survey very interesting. We cover a number of topics, based on more than twenty questions that each woman answered, and we’ll be sharing everything we learned with you, our blog readers, over the weeks to come.

Linda

This blog post is not about infertility or fertility; instead it’s about a quality of life issue. Because sometimes it is the little things that get to us.

Regular readers of the I Am More Than My Infertility blog know that Marina and I co-authored the book, I Am More Than My Infertility, and that we both post comments on this blog. If you have read the book, you know that we are more than partners on a book project, we are friends, sounding boards, and moral support for each other. The friendship between women can be a strong and incredibly valuable thing.

Marina and I are alike in many ways, and we are as different as day and night in others. And my blog today is one Marina would NEVER write….

I am lamenting about news I just learned that the price of chocolate is increasing. Marina (who never succumbs to the lure of chocolaty goodness) probably hasn’t heard this sad news, but on a news page filled with stories of Presidential candidates (and their faux-paxs); flooding; wars; the declining economy, and a tragic plane crash, one headline jumped out at me: Pricey Temptation: Cost of Chocolate Jumps.

I can’t personally comfort families who lost loved ones in accidents or acts of war. I can’t stop the flood water from Tropical Storm Fay or do anything to improve the economy except, I suppose, keep shopping. And while my heart breaks for everyone effected by these tragedies and there is no comparing such losses to something as minor as the rising cost of chocolate, I am still allowing myself to feel a little sad over the fact that M & M’s are will soon cost more.

A little chocolate in life (in moderation) can be a good thing. I love the smell of chocolate, the look of chocolate, and of course, the taste and the aftertaste of chocolate. I like unwrapping chocolate bars like tiny presents, and I look forward to the small pleasurable escape it provides in my life. My

A little chocolate can be a good thing.

other indulgences are few: I don’t drink coffee or sodas, never smoked, and can pass up fast food almost any time, but chocolate, whether it is milky, dark, or bitter sweet, is a small island of indulgence in a world that seems to have more than its share of ups and downs.

My property taxes are going up, while my home’s resale value is going down. The price of gas has improved, but it’s still scary to see those big numbers that pop up when you fill the tank. Milk will soon be priced like perfume, by the ounce, because none of us will be able to afford it by the gallon.

But chocolate? It’s just cruel and unfair to raise the price of chocolate.

Linda

To Tell The Truth, Part II

Using a third party to create a family can open doors that were unimaginable just a few shorts years ago. But along with this opportunity come choices: how and when to tell family and friends, and when to tell your child.

In To Tell the Truth, Part I, we looked at ways to share this information with family and friends, based on my Emotionally Speaking column in the fall issue of Conceive Magazine, on newsstands now.

Now, let’s look at sharing with your child the unique story of how he or she came to be born. In this arena, a lot of what we know is based on research with adoptees. Those studies found that keeping a secret from your child can have damaging effects on your whole family, and that a child can sense that there’s something wrong or missing.

Sometimes it’s hard to share with your child, because doing so means that you have to deal with your own grief at not being able to have a family in a more conventional way. If that’s the case, it’s important that you deal with these feelings so that you can be there for your child in the best possible way.

Experts agree that the simple telling or retelling of your child’s birth story is a wonderful way for your child to grow up with this information. Two books that can get your started, both recommended by the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (www.asrm.org), are Butterflies and Magical Wings by Amy Margolis (Thompson Press, 2006), and Mommy, Was Your Tummy Big? A Picture Books that Explains Donor Eggs to Children, by Carolina Nadel (Mookind Press, 2007).

Marina

The rumor has been floating around for some time, that soy based foods and the hormone isoflavone, which is derived from soy products, is making men infertile.

In the past, animal research studies indicated that a soy diet and male infertility were linked, but it was not until this Harvard School of Public Heath study was recently released that we have had confirmation that the same thing happens in human males who consume soy.

According to information published online in July by Human Reproduction, after monitoring the diets of 99 men who were attending the Massachusetts General Hospital Fertility Center, researchers found, “inverse association between the amount of soy food and isoflavones consumed and the quality of the men’s sperm; in other words, the men who ate the most soy had the lowest sperm quality, and this remained true even after allowing for weight, smoking, alcohol and caffeine consumption.”

The study was conducted over a three-month period and included 15 different soy-based foods.

If you’ve decided to use a third party to use your baby, (an egg donor, a gestational carrier), you’ve probably wondered whether to share this information with your friends and family, and of course, if and when to tell your child.

This delicate subject is one I tackle in my Emotionally Speaking column, in the current Fall issue of Conceive Magazine, on newsstands now.

Let’s start with whether to share this information with your friends and family. In making this decision, it’s important for you and your husband to think back on how you’ve made other decisions together, and then to consciously put time aside to explore what works for the two of you.

When you share with others, it will be tempting to think that everyone will be delighted. But the truth is, some people will be more supportive than others. Here are some guidelines to get you started:

Start Easy. Begin by sharing with those that you know will be excited for you. This will reinforce the rightness of your choice.

Know Yourself. If there are people in your family that you know will be difficult to talk to, consider bringing someone supportive with you to shore up your confidence.

Educate Your Audience. Most people have no idea how much is involved in making this type of decision. Sharing your journey and what brought you and your partner to this point can help put your decision in perspective.

Give Them Time: After you have shared, let it go and give time for your information to settle. Let people know you are available if they’d like to talk more about it.

I’ll talk more about how and when to tell your child in an upcoming blog.

Marina

The American Society for Reproductive Medicine NEWS, has just printed a review of our book. The review was written by Dr. Elizabeth E. Puscheck, Associate Professor, Ob/Gyn, Wayne State University School of Medicine, Detroit, Michigan. We’ve included it below, in its entirety.

Patient’s Bookshelf
For a list of additional reading materials, visit the ASRM web site at www.asrm.org.
I AM MORE THAN MY INFERTILITY: 7 proven tools for turning a life crisis into a personal breakthrough
By Marina Lombardo and Linda J. Parker

I Am More Than My Infertility

Seeds of Growth Press: Orlando, Florida
2007. ISBN: 978-0-9800266-0-3
Infertility and infertility treatments have a way of becoming all encompassing. The interference with your daily routine adds to the stress and makes it more difficult not to focus solely on your infertility and your struggles going through infertility treatments.

Do you have the emotional coping skills that you need to face these challenges and not lose yourself, your marriage, or what’s important to you in life
in the meantime? This book describes approaches using seven tools you can learn to use to address this, and any, life crisis you face, with a definite focus on infertility.

Marina Lombardo is a psychotherapist with a background in social work and Linda Parker is a writer and educator. Together, these authors bring 10 years of experience in dealing with the emotional aspects of infertility and condense these life lessons into an effective approach that is well explained and easy to implement into your own coping strategies. There is a nice message at the beginning from Kim Hahn, the editor of Conceive magazine, regarding
her personal experiences with infertility and how Lombardo’s approach was effective for her. Just before chapter one, the authors describe “How to Read this Book.” They recommend that you read it slowly, be open to change, practice the exercises, and keep the book with you (perhaps at your bedside) so that you can read and re-read small bites over again.

The first chapter deals with the initial stress and anger readers may feel as they realize they have infertility. Despite the emotional roller coaster you may feel with infertility, you have choices and you can learn to develop emotional coping tools. Through these tools you will learn to become a stronger, happier, and healthier individual, as well as develop a stronger and closer relationship. The authors call this process the “seven essential power tools”
that “make up your emotional toolbox.” The power tools are: 1) Take care of your body, 2) Make conscious choices, 3) Set healthy boundaries, 4) Tell the truth, 5) Take quiet space, 6) Give yourself permission to grieve, and 7) See the big picture.

The separate chapters discuss the tools in detail and how they help in the struggle with infertility. This book does a great job of describing very real
situations and emotions associated with infertility. I found the chapters interesting and appropriate for most couples; and the case scenarios were fascinating. Again, the tools that you learn from reading this book can be applied to many life situations, not just infertility. As Kim Hahn calls it, these seven powerful tools are her emotional coping skills which make up her emotional tool box. Never leave home without these tools!

Not long ago, I sat with Becca, who has been through unimaginable grief in her quest to have a baby. Born with a condition that makes holding on to a pregnancy difficult, she has experienced the loss of many miscarriages. After much soul searching, she and her husband finally decided to use a gestational carrier. Things were going along okay–considering the myriad of medical, legal, and psychological hoops one must jump through in order to facilitate this process. But then the clincher came:  Becca found out that in this state, one must sign adoption papers in order to adopt her own biololgical child if it is carried by a surrogate.

“I know that it’s just the law, but it feels like such a slap in the face to me,” Becca related. “It’s like after all I’ve been through, this is just one more humiliation.”

I get it–I really do. But the best I could come up with was, “I know it feels personal, but it’s not. It’s just the law; it’s just business.”

The truth is that ethics and the law have not caught up with the technology of reproductive medicine. Case in point–some states have yet to put limits on the number of times a sperm donor can donate, so there’s no telling who someone could be related to. And yes–as in the case of Becca, many states have yet to decipher the legal difference between a gestational carrier relinquishing a child from traditional adoption. Yes–the law moves slowly, but things are starting to move so that changes can be made to bridge this gap.

Marina

Attention globe trotting couples! If you’re looking for quick conception results, then IVF is your answer!

At least that’s what was reported in the August 4 issue of US Magazine to explain Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s choice to go with IVF to conceive their newborn fraternal twins.”Things were so hectic with their filming schedules and the kids, they simply didn’t have time to keep trying,” explains a source. “They were too impatient.”

So, what I want to know is since when did IVF become the surefire answer to pregnancy? Apparently, the sources quoted in this article have never met women–young, healthy women in their 30’s just like Ms. Jolie– who have tried and tried IVF with no success.

And since when did the expensive, hormone pumping regimen of IVF become stress-free? Truly, I could not believe my eyes when I read: (”With IVF, Angelina)  wouldn’t have to deal with the stress of trying to get pregnant…She could just knock it out.”

This kind of misinformation does untold damage to an uninformed public. The truth is IVF doesn’t succeed more often than it does. And women who are fighting infertility don’t need one more reason to feel bad about their struggle.

Marina

Anyone who has had any kind of experience with cancer treatment knows that the very advances that can cure cancer–chemotherapy, radiation and surgery–are the very things that have the potential to cause permanent infertility.

But there is hope–Fertile Hope. This national, nonprofit organization provides reproductive information and support to cancer patients and survivors whose medical treatments put them at risk for infertility. The founder, Lindsay Nohr Beck, is herself a two-time cancer survivor, and she created the organization as a result of her own efforts to preserve her fertility in the face of critical cancer treatments.

Yes, there are several successful fertility preservation options available, but these are often not used because of lack of awareness, education and financial resources. That’s where Fertile Hope comes in. They provide education, financial assistance, support, and even help advance research with grants.

Visit this wonderful organization at www.fertilehope.org. Hopefully, you’ll never have to avail yourself of their resources. But if you or someone you love does, it’s good to know they are there.

Marina

Cheryl Hall of Dyer, Indiana, has received a federal appeals court ruling permitting her to move forward with a lawsuit against her former employer. Hall alleges that she was fired from her suburban Chicago job after taking time off to undergo infertility treatment.

Originally a US District Court dismissed the case as discrimination, saying infertility is a gender-neutral condition, meaning that she could not have been discriminated against for a factor unique to being female, as males also deal with infertility.

But the federal appeals court in Chicago saw it differently, saying that because Hall underwent in-vitro fertilization treatments, the case really was an issue that applies uniquely to females. The Chicago Sun-Times quoted the appeals judges as writing, “Employees terminated for taking time off to undergo IVF — just like those terminated for taking time off to give birth or receive other pregnancy-related care — will always be women.”

The case might not seem so clear-cut when you consider that Hall received time off during her first (unsuccessful) IVF treatment and then returned to her job. When she applied for a second leave of absence for another IVF procedure, she did so at the time that her employer, a water-treatment and chemicals company, was in reorganization, leading you to wonder if any other employees were being let go at about the same time. But…and this could turn out to be a very important detail…The Chicago Sun-Times quoted her attorney, Eugene Hollander, as saying that when she was let go, her supervisor told her that the move, “Was in her best interest due to her health condition.” Hall’s attorney is arguing that the reorganization that eliminated her job was just a cover up to fire her for her infertility related absenteeism.

It has already been 5 years since this happened, so this case may not be settled quickly, but we will let you know if we run across any updates.

In the mean time, Cheryl Hall is mothering her child, conceived following the second IVF treatment.

Here are some links to other comments or reports on this topic:

http://www3.fertilethoughts.com/forums/showpost.php?p=5908262&postcount=1

http://www.nwitimes.com/articles/2008/07/18//news/top_news/doc6783043307e1b4c786257489007d3445.txt

http://www.dailyherald.com/story/?id=221584&src=2

Emerging from An Adoption Nightmare: An Interview with Dawn De Lorenzo Part II

(This is the second in a two-part blog series. You can read read Dawn’s complete story on her websites: www.cribsandcrimes.blogspot.com and www.adoptionloss.blogspot.com.)

Marina: When I read your story about your extended stay in Kazakhstan, I imagine that you must have felt like you were trapped in a web–you had invested too much to leave, and kept hoping against hope that this time the placement would be a success.

Dawn: That is true…you have so much invested and throughout my life I have gone after my dreams and if persistent enough was able to achieve them. This was the most humbling experience of my life - I learned in many ways how little control I have over what happens. The only thing I can control is my reaction to it.

Marina: How did you keep going? What internal resources helped you, i.e., your own spirituality, religious practice, your faith in others, general outlook on life? How about external resources, i.e., your relationship with your husband, helpful people you met along the way?

Dawn: I wish I could tell you that we had a great deal of support throughout this time in our lives when, ironically, we needed people the most. In reality all we had was each other and yes, my faith in God - which I could hardly call “faith” at that time. I was very angry at God and it took a lot for me to make peace with what God was allowing to happen to us and to three innocent babies.

I believe that my earlier tumultuous life experiences helped me get through it. My brother died when I was twelve and just entering middle school. My family fell apart and I was on my own from an early age. I struggled a great deal throughout my teens and early twenties. I think the loss and disappointments I survived helped me to remember that I could get through the challenges we faced. It was much harder for my husband who had never experienced loss of this magnitude.

Marina: How did this experience change you? Are you surprised that you have turned out to be such a fighter for justice, or did you always know this about yourself?

Dawn: This experience has certainly made my faith in God stronger. There were many points in time when I turned away from him in anger. However, the angrier I was the greater my desire to get answers as to WHY He was doing this to us! I read voraciously - that is something that I have always enjoyed and gained so much from. When I read about other people’s hardships and their journey through the dark times I gain so much and it makes me know that I am not alone in this world and instead of asking “why me?’” it becomes “why not me?” It has also made me realize that anything can happen…even after you think all hope is gone.

I have always been a fighter - especially against what I perceive to be injustice. I am very passionate about children (I am a teacher) and I was like a mother bear protecting her cubs throughout this process. These children had nobody to speak up for them. I was also shocked by how many victims of Orson Mozes (and other unscrupulous agencies) did not stand up for themselves or others who are taken advantage of in the adoption process. I could not understand the mindset that “this is just how it is with international adoption” and the complacency that allowed corruption to be acceptable.

Marina: If the person you are now could have a conversation with the person who was about to sign that adoption contract in April 2006, what would you tell her?

Dawn: STOP! Do more research…never select an agency based on a photo listing! Rather than select an agency based on reputation and self-education, we selected a child and contacted the agency listed there.

Marina: What’s next?

Dawn: We are going through IVF right now. We also met with the Ambassador of Kazakhstan and I can’t say too much right now, but let’s just say there may still be hope - a true miracle - yet to unfold.

I believe I speak for everyone Dawn when I wish you every blessing!

Look for Dawn’s story in the Fall Issue of Conceive Magazine on newsstands at the end of August.

Marina

Emerging from An Adoption Nightmare: An Interview with Dawn DeLorenzo, Part I

(This is the first in a two-part blog series)

For any woman struggling with infertility who has ever cringed at the words, “Why don’t you just adopt?” Dawn’s story is a reminder that when it comes to building a family, there are no guarantees.

I wrote about Dawn DeLorenzo’s heartbreaking journey through international adoption in my July 4 blog, Cribs, Crimes and Corruption. I believe Dawn’s story is so incredible because not only did she live through

an adoption nightmare–being stranded in Kazakhstani by herself after two months and three failed adoptions–but because she has come back determined to grow from her experience, help others, and continue in her efforts to build her family. Now that’s inspiring!

Dawn was kind enough to answer some questions about her personal journey and experience. Her answers are honest and real, and I think her voice speaks to women who know that there are no quick and easy answers, and who are so determined to have a family that they simply will not give up.

You can read read Dawn’s complete story on her websites: www.cribsandcrimes.blogspot.com and www.adoptionloss.blogspot.com.

Marina: I notice that you tried several rounds of IUI, and then decided to adopt. Was there any particular reason you did not go the “hi-tech” track?

Dawn: I wasn’t all that excited about putting my body through IVF … it sounded so invasive. My husband and I were both on the same page in that we wanted to be parents and a biological child was not the goal, becoming parents was.

Marina: Did you feel like you had come to terms with not being able to have biological children at the time that you decided to adopt? If so, was there anything in particular that you and/or your husband did in order to bring some closure to that situation, and help you move into the adoption process?

Dawn: In all honesty, the issue of not having a biological child was never something that I grappled with. Certainly, I had concerns about biological factors that may negatively impact our adopted child, and one could minimize the unknowns when having a biological child - but there was no grief process for us over not having our “own” child.

Marina: Your goal was to adopt from Kazakhstan. Were there any particular reasons for opting for a foreign adoption rather than a domestic one?

Dawn: We did very little research on domestic adoption and most of our assumptions were based on what we “thought” domestic adoption was all about. To me it seemed like a pageant with all the scrapbooks that scream “pick me, pick me”. I just knew that there were so many orphans in need of a family that it didn’t seem like the right path for us to get into a competition for a healthy newborn. Also, I think that international adoption appeals to many people because the media portrays domestic adoption as a risky scenario. You hear this horror story about parents returning after the child has been with their adoptive parents for three years and they rip him or her out of their home. Nobody wants that kind of heartache. Sadly, we “thought” it was safer to adopt internationally and look what happened to us!

….Part II, tomorrow on the I Am More Than My Infertility blog.

Marina

On Thursday, the I Am More Than My Infertility blog starts a 2-part series with Dawn DeLorenzo, a woman who has dealt with a heartbreaking adoption experience.

Here are two videos, found on YouTube, that tell you more about Dawn’s experience:

“If I were looking at someone like me two or three years ago, I’d be saying the same thing, ‘Get over it! You have a baby already!’ But somehow, not being able to have a second child brings up all the old hurt all over again. It’s another reminder that I’m failing–that I can’t create the family I want.”

For my client Becky, it took a whole lot of high-tech effort to get pregnant the first time around. But once she was able to successfully birth a child, she assumed that she’d have less difficulty the second time around. Unfortunately, this has not turned out to be the case, and the emotional turmoil she’s experiencing now only seems to be amplified by what she went through in the past.

For other women, pregnancy occurs easily the first time, and again, the assumption is made that other pregnancies should follow easily.

But unfortunately, for those 3 million people in America who struggle with Secondary Infertility, that’s simply not true. Secondary Infertility is defined as “the inability to conceive a baby or carry a pregnancy to term afer the birth of one or more children..and it’s actually more common than primary infertility.” (www.conceivemagazine.com, Spring 2008).

My experience with women and couples who experience secondary infertility is that support is harder to come by. Many people who are dealing with primary infertility would do anything just to have one child, and as a result they find it more difficult to relate to the struggle someone who already has a child is having. Some clients have told me that when they have tried to get support by attending local infertility support groups, for example, there’s a sense of not fitting in–that others there can’t quite understand the depth of their struggle.

I Am More Than My Infertility

In thinking about this, I’ve come to understand that whether it’s primary or secondary infertility, the grief about not being able to have the life, the family, you envisioned is still the same. As Becky so eloquently put it, “When I look at my daughter, and imagine that she may be alone and not have any of the joy and connection that siblings can bring, my heart just breaks for her..”

Maybe it’s a case of having to walk in the other person’s shoes in order to really understand what the experience is like.

Marina

In a recent Los Angeles Times article, Dr. Thomas Walsh, director of the men’s reproductive health program at UC San Francisco School of Medicine, was interviewed about male infertility. He pointed out that while people tend to assume the problem with an infertile couple lies with the woman, many times, this is not always the case.

“In fact, male infertility is quite common. At least 20% of infertility cases are due solely to male factors such as low sperm count, and in 40% to 50% of cases, male factors contribute. Many male fertility problems go undiagnosed and untreated, however — either because attention focuses on their partner or because men are reluctant to get help or unable to find it when they seek it.”

The article goes on to point out that men often tend to resist testing, and even those who are willing to be tested for fertility issues often don’t have a primary care physician to turn to.

If you want to learn more, follow this link to read the full article; it raised many interesting points.